Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Holiday Blues

Yeah, Christmas has come and gone. I am so not a holiday person. I used to be, but now that there isn't any family around and no small children the Christmas holiday isn't much fun. Oh, I know that is not what it is about, as if the holiday was about Christ anyway. It maybe at one time was about Him, but now...nope, it is just another "shopping excuse" for an already spoiled nation. Okay, okay, I really am a Grinch...Bah Humbug!

Also, the fact that I don't have any money to shop is another reason. My finances are next to nil and what I do get I tend to spend on the luxuries of life. Like aspirin, toothpaste, and of course the Internet. Can't get by without that, I would loose my ever loving mind if I did not have it. Sometimes I think I will anyway...LOL.

Mom is not getting any better, and I really don't know how much longer she has. It is hard on her and also hard on me. The constant stress of never knowing if this is the day or not. Not that I am wanting that to happen, but it is a forgone conclusion that it will happen. It is just a matter of time. She never wants to be left alone, but there are things I simply must do out in the real world, like buy groceries and have a little me time. I am lucky if I get out of the house for 1 hour a day...even luckier if I can stretch it to two hours. I really do understand her not wanting to be alone, it must be a scary thought not knowing from one day to the next if you are going to end up in the hospital.

I need to be there for her more than I am. I spend my hours of the day on the computer and watching movies. I think she gets very lonely even when I am home. But I just can't spend 24/7 sitting at her side, that would drive her and me both crazy. I feel like I am torn in two and the stress I am feeling is almost overwhelming. Yesterday, I broke down and cried my eyes out feeling very stressed and feeling like my life is on hold, which it is, so damn hard not to feel some resentment. But, then I get to feeling guilty over it all because I love my mom more than anything and would do anything in the world for her. Sometimes it feels like a never ending cycle.

Enough for today.

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